What Happened to "Friendship?"

Sleep is defined as:

“State of not being awake: A state of partial or full unconsciousness in people and animals, during which voluntary functions are suspended and the body rests and restores itself, or a period spent in this state.”

What do you do when your prayer is:” Lord please do not let the only thing I look forward to, be sleep!”

How does somebody actually get to this point where their own self-worth is so low that they don’t want to be awake?  Is this how it starts, or is this how it
ends?

Grief and feeling out of control are really tricky. Then your self-esteem takes a hit and you can begin to feel worthless. At what point do we begin to feel worthless? Feeling worthless is horribly selfish, but unfortunately, unavoidable because I cannot figure out how to change it! I am smart, but I cannot seem to get myself out of this one. I have questioned just about everything in my life. Has any of this ever happened to you?

These past three years have been an “eye-opener” for me! For a girl that had a ‘ton of friends,’ I began to realize that they were a ‘ton of acquaintances.' There have two people outside of my family who have kept in touch and wanted to actually know how I was doing.

How many people do you have in your lives?

How many more did you have when you were doing well?    

And, if you are not doing so ‘well,’ how many do you have now?

Are you in a position of power and/or authority and is it popular because of your position to have many people fall all over you?

What if all that changed and your status dropped like mine and now you are on the outs?

Is it me/us? Do we become so tainted that we are not a pleasure to be around anymore?  So I began to ask myself a few questions:

1. Have I been a good friend to others?

2. Have I been there for people beyond ‘reasonable’ expectations?

3. Have I gone out of my way to help?

4. Do I have a history of following up and keeping people in thoughts and prayers that I know are having a terrible time?

I do believe that I have. 

I have contacted ‘friends’ out of the blue with cakes or dinners that I have made just because I love them. I have been the driver when a car is broken. When I had the money, I helped as much as I could. I have even gone grocery shopping for people who could not get out. I have cleaned homes for friends that were sick or recovering. All while working a 50-plus hour week in both retail and construction raising two children with my wonderful husband. 

The reason why I guess I chose the things that I did to help was because I think we tend to do special things for others that we enjoy doing or, that would make us feel special to receive. I have had way too much time on my hands to think, so I have wondered when I became the ‘pink elephant’ in the room.

Since I will not win the lottery, and the chances of somebody calling me and
telling me that they are paying my bills for the month are slim, I wonder why:

Is it that hard to pick up a phone and call? Or if you don’t want to talk, email and say, “I am thinking of you.” Why do you not think of me when you hear somebody is looking for a new employee and at least give me the chance?  I have had one friend who has taken my calls; let me clean her house for extra money. I believe that she recalls too well what it felt like to be AFRAID to wake up in the morning.

So why doesn’t my phone ring? Why are my friends not tearing up my phone lines or email with a job opportunity, a word or encouragement, a dinner, a housecleaning?

Why is it that people drop their head when they see me, sitting in church, grocery store, pumping gas? Come on, we both know you see me, when do I get to be the one who is approached, instead of the one that does the approaching? I have seen you too, but right now I am too broken to even start a conversation. Are you really that important, or am I just unimportant?

Why do we (me included) donate for tragedies in other countries and not look right next door too? I am overwhelmed by the pain of seeing a child that is not eating, or an earthquake that devastates, or the fact that so many people do not have fresh water to drink so I ask myself, can I write a check with one hand and balance the phone on the other? Why can’t we do both? WHY DON’T WE DO BOTH?

Now the question becomes, when and if I am restored, and my life is back on track, will I be able to even look you in the face without crying or, will I keep my head down and write a check. Will I feel compassion when it is your turn or will I keep my head down and write a check? Will you wonder what happened to the girl that always made you a cake or called you on the phone, sent you a joke via email? She will be writing a check?!!! Will you wonder what you had done that you lost all you're friends? You might have to because, I will mimic my example, and drop my head and write a check. If you speak to me, I will feel uncomfortable; plaster a smile on my face while I determine the best escape route and maybe I will tell you I have to go because I need to write a check.

So here is a “Check” list:

Will you be able to say that you were compassionate to people that once mattered to you at their time of need?

Will you be able to say that you offered help?

Would you be able to help in secret and not receive a pat on the back from other friends or co-workers?

Will you offer a job to someone in need that is willing to work?

Will you show up with a broom and a mop?

If you are a trade professional will you give a haircut or tune-up a car, trim bushes, mow lawns?

Just asking……