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Health & Fitness

The tribulations of Trials… 2

As we near our own trial, I CAN NEVER - leave the past behind…

The thunderous ROAR of this approaching tidal wave, begs the question – is it the ground shaking, beneath my feet?  Or, is it myself shaking so severely?...  The impending inevitableness this trial brings at me paralyzes me with terror! Here to relive - YOUR DARKEST MOMENTS!

 

From Day 1 - I am DONE with my graceless heart!  So tonight I'm gonna CUT IT OUT and then RESTART…

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It does not matter what I CHOOSE, when what I SHALL BECOME IS decided FOR me, in the end.  Choosing to suffer on, or choosing to go quickly, was such a struggle!  Until these words of the Scotts whispered to me, an answer.  “Shake it out”…

 

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OUR FIRST STEP TOWARDS TRIAL has begun.  The DA came to collect and discuss things on Thursday.  Leaving yesterday lost to the hazey, dozey physical exhaustion of my body.  Each time, this is the result for me after these 'brief' emotional and mental encounters in this murderous matter.  Even this depletion, will not allow 'sleep' to really come.  NOTHING gets past my trauma.  My body just shuts down.  I couldn't move, even if I had to.  And throughout the many hours, I doze only moments at a time.

 

And every DEMON wants his pound of flesh!  Years now, of being a hostage to this Trauma, have held food and rest from me for too long.  Struggling to hold my weight at 86lbs.  Having ONLY the energy for my 'mind' to continue most days…

 

I'm always dragging that horse around…  All of his QUESTIONS, such a mournful sound...  But tonight I'm gonna BURY that horse in the ground!  I can't imagine how it will be, when trial comes.  Enduring every day, for so many weeks.  Topped off with those calorie burning adrenaline dumps in dealing with all the things I must face.  It's rather like being the terminal cancer patient, who must compete herself in the triathlon to raise money for the cure...

 

I'm ready to suffer,  and I'm ready to hope…  It's a shot in the dark,  AIMED RIGHT UP MY THROAT!  ‘Cause looking for heaven,  found the devil in ME!...  While inside, I will also be dealing with these two - Cat and MIA.  One so horrifically shattered, the other a boiling RAGE.  Needing to 'meld' them, in a decent and 'civilized' manner, effectively holding the tongue of one or the other, depending on necessity, to allow the most damning response.

 

My trauma therapists asked me, what it is I see happening AFTER the verdict is delivered.  It was only in explaining to them what I see LEADING UP TO THIS, that they finally were able to fully comprehend my answer.  I see myself simply dropping dead.

 

It's hard to dance - with a DEVIL on your back…  You see, it never has been about 'suicide' for me.  It's always been in the 'knowing' that this, for all intents and purposes, WILL kill me.  And, maybe - too soon.  When this wave slams into me, it may crush me immediately!  I may be able to swim inside it a little, possibly I might surface...  But for all that I am, I in no way see 'surviving' it.  And NO CHOICE, but to accept it this way.

I'm damned if I do,  and I'm damned if I don't!  So here's to drinks in the dark - at the end of my rope!  My therapists have opened their eyes, to this understanding of my reality.  And for all the sadness it brings them, they know it is the truth.  This monumental thing WILL, eventually, lead to my demise one way, or another.  Helping me fight for as long as I CAN is what they try to do now in their support.  For they too, have had to ACCEPT, placing 'what's next' on the back burner, until we see just what DOES become of me.

 

I can see no way, I CAN SEE NO WAY - but what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen TO ME!  I've chosen to face this final, monumental horror, for all that was once life.  My 'complete' clarification to you, so you will understand.

 

Regrets collect, like old friends.

I've been afforded no control in life.  No control, even within myself now.  I'm afraid in facing this horror.  Scared, that I may fail.  I feel like a little girl, all too alone, to DO this thing...  The terror of knowing too, it leaves Kes alone to live her life.

 

All these things, are what MURDER has brought upon me.  Ultimately, DEATH comes for us all...  No choice in this.  Death has been quietly standing beside me through this, waiting.  Allowing me this moment, possibly intervening on my behalf, I think, for all that I was once good.  Knowing that I still strive for good, in my end.

 

It's hard to dance with THIS DEVIL on MY back…  So shake him off!

I defy all medical reason in existence now.  I also defy, all psychiatric reason as well...  But I've defied all explanation since the beginning.  I was the ONLY ONE not stabbed that morning.  I took the weapons away, by the BLADE, and had NOT ONE SINGLE CUT upon my hand...  And I was the only one - who took action to kill Gary.

 

I am hoping this is not too heavy or burdensome to share with you.  I just am so small, carrying something too huge.  As I said, people glance at this issue, but never see any of THIS on the surface.  And they pretty much refuse to look deeper, at what lies beneath...

 

I LIKE TO KEEP MY ISSUES DRAWN…

 

It's always darkest, before the dawn.

 

 

 

 

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