December 20, 2012
One year ago today, everything stopped – and time has stood still. The world continues to buzz and run forward, yet for me - it has merely been a couple of breaths… I’m still standing in the same spot.
There were so many pieces of myself I had saved along my life's journey, and I realized a long time ago I had been saving them for YOU, Saskia...
I am sifting through it all now, saving a few pieces for Kes, letting go of those things only you would have savored, and cherished. It's so ugly to look back on such a lonely life and realize – I'm here once more.
Goodbye, pieces of me.
I’m so shattered, and I’ve been grasping this week at the tiny fragments… ( I had to find you, tell you I need you – tell you I set you apart! ) The feeling of your stubby hand on my shoulder, as you lean your head against mine to whisper to me. Teaching you to dance in the living room to the “Fifth Dimension, Donna Summers and Cher” while wearing our Hawaiian wraps. Shopping at the witches store in Idyllwild for your first scrying stone, sitting at the table and adding it to a chain so you could wear it as a necklace – because the green of the stone matched your eyes. Snuggling under the covers with you when you were fresh out of the shower, the wonderful smell of your strawberry scented conditioned hair pressing against my shoulder, watching "The Holiday" just the week before. Holding you that last time, one last embrace before kissing you goodnight…
And those other fragments… ( Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are ) Seeing your body at the morgue, your once shining green eyes so milky. Looking you over, head to toe ( just as I had that first day I met you ); only now seeing each and every thing Gary did to your perfect little body. Every stab wound, every cut. Holding your tiny, cold hand in mine and turning it over, seeing all the defensive wounds on your fingers and palm. Gathering all your hair at the top of the table and braiding it, and when I cut off your braid – and your hair fell short around your face, how horrified Kim and I were to see how much you looked like Kim's daughter Lynnette! How that one section of hair - fell out when I was gathering it, from the incision made across your head during the autopsy. Taking your cold, damaged face in my hands and kissing you one last time - goodbye…
Carrying such a heavy burden of guilt, ALL ALONE. I should have done more – forced officer’s Gerber and Driscoll to speak to, or press charges against Gary the year before! I was too unfortunately right in my assessment that he NEEDED the moral guidance his parents were so selfishly refusing to give him! The irrepressible regret I will ALWAYS carry for this – because it would have stopped Gary from murdering you that morning! I should have stayed on the couch with you that night, forced you all to watch “Marley and me” together, instead of going upstairs with Kessa to watch it, as you searched to see if there was something else on. I should have been there to defend you - I should have taken those wounds from his attack when it came! I should have laid down beside you and gone with you that morning… ( Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions – Oh, let’s go back to the start! )
I finally got a refill of my 'scream' pills, and have indulged at taking one each night this week to help me find sleep. I’m hoping now, that while I find some sleep, you can visit me in my dreams ( Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me ) – even if you just want to scream at me again, because I long so, just to hear your voice!
You’ve taken so much of me with you already… In the silence, I can hear the music you inspired inside me to paint all of the most beautiful things I’ve ever had the pleasure to create. In the void, I can feel the spark of creativity you sent coursing through my veins, as only your creativity was closest to mine – and together we did all the things I had ever wanted to do, because YOU wanted to do those same things too. In the emptiness, I can feel how you filled me up with our too familiar thoughts and feelings and words – all the hours of conversation on a myriad of topics, that we took such pleasure in exploring and learning from, together. And in the darkness, I can remember the magical beauty we saw everywhere together – remember the orange butterflies? How I created a butterfly habitat in our yard with the plants and flowers we planted together here, and the hundreds of butterflies that emerged from their cocoons that first spring? How they danced for me, as if I were a fairy princess, fluttering in my hair, landing on my hands and cheeks, swarming all around me – as if to say “thank you, thank you for building us a home!” – and you were so in AWE of it all… You took all our magic with you baby, and the butterflies come no more. ( Running in circles, chasing our tails – Coming back as we are! )
You were my best friend, so much more than just my daughter… I gave to you everything I had ever wanted, and you were so much like me – it was everything you could have ever hoped for, and more! I lived my only real childhood, my only real LIFE – with you, and together we did everything we wanted! Letting our imaginations run free, wildly exploring our creativity together, and loving every single second of it! And as you matured, realizing that truth about yourself – that you were indeed too much like me, existing too far outside the box and in this, it would forever be a NEED in you to be with me, our bond that would always keep us so close!
I am a large shadow of you,
I am what you were - and what you hoped to be!
I am a mirror before you, reflecting all that you are!
And it's reflection after...
Without you, I would not have been.
For you were the me, I only dreamed I could be!
I am the reflection now of what you are, after you were.
You are gone, and the reflection is empty.
I will be standing in this same spot still, when MY time comes Saskia. You are the first and only person I wish to see in that moment! To once more have you curl your tiny hand around mine, feel the silky warmth of your other hand caress my cheek – once again see that smile, the one that starts with the corners of your mouth turning up, pushing your full round cheeks up, squishing your slanted eyes up further in the outer corners – your whole face smiles each time you smile!
I love you Saskia! I love everything about you! I love every second spent with you! I love every single thing we ever did!
I’m standing in exactly the same spot, loving you still!
Nobody said it was easy… It’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy -
NO ONE EVER SAID IT WOULD BE THIS HARD -
I’m going back to the start…