Picking up the Pieces...Part 6

The preliminary hearing for former sheriff’s deputy Dayle Long, who shot Sam Vanettes after Saskia’s murder – on December 21st, already took place in March…

 TAKING THAT FIRST STEP

It has been 6 months…  And I have yet to take my first step, in any direction.  Deciding, which step came first was such a daunting task! 

For me, I NEED TO GET THE PRELIMINARY OVER WITH!

For me, it is my first step…

Our preliminary hearing in court was postponed last Friday.  The emotional buildup to that morning which had been occurring all week, well, you could hear it snap and crackle…

Actually arriving at the court house, filled with the overwhelming emotions of rage and terror, each one of us unsure as to whether we will be capable of controlling these emotions as we enter the court room, and actually ‘see’ Gary physically sitting there…  How many times the impulse arises to run over, jump past the short wall that separates him from us, and tear him to pieces…

In this moment?  Talk about surrealism!  How casual, it all seems…  Gary, sitting up there.  His mother, sitting over there.  All of us, sitting here.  The DA and the defense, standing there, casually talking…  As if we are seated at Denny’s, just sitting at different tables…  And I’m stuck living in the insanity of this moment!

To be asked, by the DA, how we feel about a continuance... When - 

We’ve had to gather the children, (Richard flew in from Germany to be here for this!), grip our emotions, and expend every ounce of our precious energy to sit in this room today…  I know, that the things that are going to be presented, the things that are going to be said out loud – are forever going to change our children, as they see the horrific images and learn the monstrous details – those things that Paul, Kessa and I carry with us already each day…

We know, the DA wants to follow this process precisely to make sure that in the end, the defense cannot say they weren’t given enough time to ‘prepare’ and ‘discover’…  And yet, for all of us?  We need to get past this horrific event, we must get this over with.  Because this is only my first step, and I have many more steps that I must take!  And, WITH ALL THAT GARY HAS DONE TO OUR LIVES, I DO NOT WANT HIM TO TAKE ANYMORE OF OUR TIME!

I need to be freed from the ‘nightmarish emotional turmoil’ that awaiting the preliminary leaves me in, to take my second step.  Because that second step entails being able to focus, solely - on my 13-year-old daughter!  And time, is detrimental to the outcome – of Kessa’s future!

For you see, my Kessa was there that morning…  She heard everything that happened the morning her sister was murdered!  Not only, is my 13-year-old daughter dealing with that –

For her, she lost her entire family that morning!  Her beloved sister and best friend Saskia, is dead.  Her mother and father have emotionally fallen to pieces.  Her big brother, has been away at college for the most part.  Yes, Kessa’s life ended that morning too!  Her safe, comfortable, stable world was taken – and replaced with this nightmare!  The normal routine of her life – was replaced with terrifying chaos!

She will never again feel safe in her own home, ANY HOME, ever!  With the darkness that nighttime brings comes the fear – an ABSOLUTE FORM of terror – that wraps it’s icy tendrils around you, and won’t let go…  Sleep is no longer something you can go towards.  It is something that must find you, in the midst of this terror.

Kessa has stepped into shoes, too big to fill, and yet there was no one else to step into them.  So she did.  Becoming the caretaker of mom and dad.  Stepping into this very adult role within our family.  She made sure there was food to eat, the cloths got clean, the dogs were fed…  She made the lists, to ensure that as we ran out things, they would be replaced…  She was my sole support, seeing to it I ate at least once a week, keeping tabs on how often I took my screaming pills, making sure we kept our appointments on the calendar – as mom and dad lost track of time, and the days all ran together…

I am so very proud, of my oh-so-strong womanchild!  So now, I need to be released from the fugue of the preliminary, so I may focus solely on Kessa!  Because, while Kessa was fulfilling this important role in our survival, she is still just a child – who had her own responsibilities towards her own life!  On top of Saskia’s murder, and doing all this for her family, she had to return to school…

And so, this last semester was simply impossible for her.  Unable to sleep, she was unable to focus…  With the extent of the upheaval within her life, she simply could not concentrate…  With the seriousness of simply surviving, there was so little left inside her to give attention to school matters…  And these were only the big things she had to contend with…

Because upon returning to school, she too began her ‘new life’…

AS SISTER, OF THE MURDERED GIRL!  School was not the place she could go to escape for a few hours, from the reality that was changing at home…  The changes that were taking place for her, within her, were occurring at school as well…  The children, who never took notice of Kes before, certainly noticed her NOW!  Kessa’s friends, and those closest to her – desperately wanted to help, and in their attempts to do everything for her, they invaded her personal space, which left her ‘feeling’ alienated further…  Kessa’s support now became the school counselor, Mrs. Hawkins, who lost her sister too – this being the bond between them…  And Kessa’s ‘new friends’, came from the group she was now associated with, ‘the dead’ kids club, where you could only be a member if you too had experienced the death of someone who was loved and close to you!

Her ‘new life’, beginning each day, alone…

For Kessa’s entire life, each and every day, she woke up to a sister.  A sister who shared her room, when she was little, so she didn’t sleep alone.  A sister, who shared her bathroom, so they could get ready for their day, together.  Now Kessa awakens each day, to the insufferable emptiness…  Now she stands in the bathroom each morning, unsure where to start, what to do – as she is forced to start each morning alone, without Saskia’s presence, and gentle guidance…  How to wear her hair and choose her cloths – that was Saskia’s job, to give her that advice…  As they got ready each morning, they would chat about their day ahead.  Now, there is only an aching silence in her mornings, that not only takes away her ability to “start”, but sets the tone for the rest of her day…

Returning from school, to the empty silent space…

Once, the most important part of the day, those first 15 minutes after school…  The only time of the day each child would willingly share all that had taken place, all that had happened.  And share, they did!  The exuberant chatter of shared information and experiences was so loud, as each child spoke at the same time, fighting to speak loudest, to share what it happened first, within their group…  NOW, it is a deafening silence that sits in the air…  No excitement, to share now that there is only one voice speaking…  And again, that painful reminder – that Saskia is not home from school yet, no, not ever again!

For now, we the victims, are asked to be patient and wait.  Now, we must return again on August 10th, like some nightmarish version of “Groundhog Day”, to try once again to take this first step.

And for Kessa?  We must figure out not only how she will catch up to where she should be, but also help her get on track for the coming school year…  Yet as the date for court gets pushed towards the coming school year, I fear this interference shall have everlasting effects with Kessa’s schooling!

In every way imaginable, Gary’s attack continues for us…  And what he didn’t already take from us that morning?  He continues to destroy for us… 

The rippling effects of the stone, thrown into the pond…