Picking up the Pieces...Part 4

Sometimes, it is good to share our life experiences with others.  For those who are in the same shoes, and can relate – they don’t feel so alone…  For those who will never have this experience, maybe it will help to open their eyes, and shut their mouths to what they don’t know…

Life beyond murder…  It is so surreal!  One moment, you have this life, 46 years in the making.  And then you are awakened by screams one morning, to discover it’s gone…

I can tell you the exact moment of my own death…  When I saw my Saskia dead on the floor.  I stood there that morning, watched my soul explode into a million tiny bright pieces outside of myself, and fall to the floor like ash…  And yet, like in some crazy zombie movie, my body continued to breathe, to live – without my soul!  And people see my body, unable to realize my soul is gone, and expect it to be – CAT!

I remember my old life, as if it were a beautiful movie I once watched…  I can only remember Cat, as if she were a character from a favorite book, that’s read again and again…

But who I am now, in this body that continues to breathe?  When my soul left, and I died, it’s as if a new soul entered, and cocooned itself inside.  This new soul has been transforming, taking shape…  And though it has the memory of who Cat was, how she lived, this new soul (even if it wanted to try) could never live up to the person Cat once was.  For this new soul was fashioned from pain, and an agony that is beyond comprehension!  It looks out through Cat’s green eyes, once the eyes of such a creative and artistic creature, but now these eyes can only see shades of grey…  It looks out into the world, and finds it to be the opposite of how Cat saw it.  It lives in a constantly confused reality…

All the people have changed.  Those closest to you, are wrecked.  They need YOU – you, this soulless creature, to help them figure out what to do.  But you can’t, because this new thing inside you hasn’t figured out what to do about yourself.  Go on, die?  Help others, or take them with you?  What others interpret as depression is not, it’s the change that has taken place inside you.  YOU WILL NEVER SEE THINGS AS YOU ONCE DID!  And this is so unsettling for all the others…  They desire the strength and steadiness, the grace that Cat possessed…

In the beginning, you are sent to see a therapist AND a psychiatrist.  Talking and drugs will surely do the trick.  But neither of these individuals can really wrap their brains around what has happened, and you understand the ‘gist’ of therapy – you get what you want out of therapy!  If you want to go on, and get better, you go to therapy to work on that…  But in this case, it is completely ineffectual, because multiple times each day, you are bouncing back and forth between trying to figure out HOW to go on and wanting to be dead!  The drugs?  The anti-anxiety pills will be with you for the rest of your days!  Without them – you would simply lose your mind, sit in the corner, and never stop screaming!  And the anti-depressants?  The first day I took them, I began hearing voices – multitudes of conversations all at the same time, like you might experience if you walked into a full restaurant…  By the second day on these pills, I was experiencing visual hallucinations – words, pieces of paper that seemed to float out of my mind, gliding on an invisible wind in front of me, and then all begin to fit together like puzzle pieces, until I could see the whole picture clearly.  For a woman who only takes Tylenol, this was too much.  At a time when I already felt so out of control, this was dangerous.  But the psychiatrist tells you to ‘double’ the amount, maybe these ‘psychotic’ episodes will pass, and come back next week…  Lucky for you, you’re smart enough to throw out those pills.

And quit therapy.  And so, now there are those that are Highly Concerned you will commit suicide, and they begin leading you in other therapeutic directions, and checking up on you…  The moment you open your mouth to anyone, the police show up at your door to ask you if you’re having suicidal thoughts.  You begin getting these phone calls, from groups like Victims of Violent Crime, and Parents of Murdered Children...  The outside world thinks these people can help you.  You get 20 or so calls from people who share their story of horror and torment, which is forming your new soul to realize just how rampant this murderous destruction is in our society.  You now find yourself belonging to a new group of people…  And yet, when you become a ‘member of the club’, there are truths said to you that would NEVER be said to the outsiders.  “After 20 years of living with this pain, it hasn’t changed.  It will never go away!”, “I wish I would have just killed myself in the beginning…  15 years of hell, and not one thing has made it worth it!”, “The pain will never go away, it won’t even lessen – so if your lucky enough to get out, do it now!”  Yes, these are the ones who are helping you now, and let’s face it – they really ‘get’ you.  But from that first moment it happened, you already knew this is how it would be.

Belonging to a group like this, well, at least here you are free to talk and express yourself in way that doesn’t get you locked up or committed!  Here, you are free to talk of pain, anger and rage – and freely discuss murder.  Lots and lots of murder!  Because every member of this group wants to kill their “murderer”, the person or persons responsible for taking their souls…  And so you converse, in vivid detail, just what you would do if you could get your hands on the monster that murdered your child!

And this need to release this anger and rage through murdering him doesn’t stop with you…  You find yourself in the kitchen, mixing up a batch of cookie dough from your secret recipe.  Something you’ve done hundreds of times over the years…  Except, the two girls sitting at the table rolling the dough and placing the cookies on the tins – they are not talking about going to the mall, they are involved in a very intimate and detailed conversation of how they want to murder Gary.  And you stand there, watching these two innocent girls from the past, and the craziness of this moment slams you into the wall.  This is your new life, this is your new REALITY!  We are all inside a box, and are now twistedly insane together!  The girls are talking, and laughing.  Just like they should be, making cookies…  But their talking about how to cut Gary up, cut him apart, and they giggle when they think of a new way to torture him…

Yes, there is a little humor in hell…  None that would be accepted by the outside world.

I’ll share one last thing, something I ran across with the Parents of Murdered Children…  I hope you can appreciate the ‘humor’, even though within the group, it takes on a much more serious meaning!

The Homicide Diet

 When you've tried everything, and nothing has worked, this diet is 95% guaranteed. However, there is no money-back guarantee because the diet is totally FREE to any unsuspecting co-victim! Any family member may start this diet at any time. The ideal time would be just before bathing suit season (March is a good month, as the photos of rail-thin models in bikinis are just beginning to grace the pages of fashion magazines.) If you follow the diet religiously (if you still have any religion to believe in) by June, you can lose a good 20+ pounds. Keep in mind that results may vary from person to person due to grieving and mourning differences. It must be stressed that this is a no fad diet. Given the number of people killed every day, it looks like this diet is here to stay! Actually, the Homicide Diet has been around for awhile (longer than we like to think), but has never been recognized as an official weight-loss program. Along with all the other needed changes (actually killing those on death row in a timely fashion) and additions (getting time off for good behavior in prison, when you were sent there because you committed murder?) to various laws, with your help, maybe this diet can become official in the near future.


Here are some suggested guidelines (and remember everyone is different, so don't feel that you must follow them exactly or that the sequence will be the same for everyone):


1. When taking anti-depressants, sleeping pills and tranquilizers in order to survive each day, your appetite - if you even have one - will probably be non-existent. Although, it isn't necessary to take drugs to lose your desire to eat!  It just happens naturally after watching the murderer in action (lucky you!). You will also have no energy to eat, as it will take everything you have inside just to make it from moment to moment.  Just breathing for 24 hours makes you feel as if you’ve climbed Mount Everest!


2. If you do happen to have even a fleeting feeling of hunger, it probably won't last. This is good, as any food put in front of you will most likely make you want to vomit. Of course, if you do actually vomit, this is even better, as then there are no added calories to worry about.


3. If you do manage to eat a few bites, don't worry that you've gone off your diet and punish yourself needlessly. You've been punished enough. Those three or four bites will last at least a week. This also helps by taking the difficulty out of determining correct portion size. (No weighing of food on that ridiculous scale is involved.)


4. Not to worry, because by the time you decide to eat again (don't fret about how much time has gone by, because you won't be able to figure it out, and you certainly don't need one more thing to agonize over!) steps two and three will happen all over again.


5. This diet is so easy, due to the fact that you may be in a rather zombie-like state for quite awhile, and everything tastes like “blood” to you anyways!  (You know, because you had to spit so much out of your mouth after the attack!)  You’ll be reliving the above steps repeatedly. But, don't panic, this non-functional, almost-catatonic-state is quite normal, even though you think you've lost your mind. Just remember...it's not your mind you've lost, just your child, who was murdered. But, of course, you can console yourself with the fact that while you've lost a beloved family member, you are also losing weight! And, after all, isn't that the goal…


6. This diet is much easier than following a protein diet, a carbohydrate diet, a sugar busters diet, etc.!  Simply drink just one Star Bucks Vanilla steamer for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Refer to steps 2 and 3 again.) The diet requires no mixing of anything (which is good, since you have no energy or desire to turn on the cuisinart) or looking at charts to figure out the difference between a protein and a carbohydrate.  And never a trip to the grocery store, where people stare and whisper about you, because they’ve read the lies printed in the news, and are so thankful this has happened to you and not them!


7. Stomach aches and constipation may present problems, but again, don't panic, every part of your body has shut down, so why not your stomach and intestines, too! It just adds to your lack of desire to eat, which is a basic theory of this diet. This can be a problem, however, as a bloated belly tends to make you look like you've gained weight, when you really haven't. Keep in mind that you're right on track, and don't give up. (This advice also pertains to when you feel like you don't want to live another moment and are seriously considering killing yourself.) I promise you that the weight will fall off!


8. As your diet progresses, your wardrobe can be either a problem or not, depending on how you look at it. Remember...attitude is everything! When people look at you and ask if your belt is too big - "My God! It could go around you twice!" - it may be quite flattering and reassuring to know you are meeting your objectives. Treat yourself to wearing your children’s clothes, as they fit you much better now than your old wardrobe!  However, this can cause overcrowded closets. You may have to make a decision (hopefully not) as to whether or not to give away your old clothes. Of course, this is hard to do, as you never know if you'll ever be back to your pre-homicide weight and should save them. Additionally, if your murdered loved-one's clothes and shoes are now added to your closet collection, this further complicates the situation. But again, by moving everything around constantly (that is, if you can actually remember to do this, and then get enough strength to get off the couch and do it), you may even lose more weight. You're that much closer to your goal! See what I mean about attitude?!


9. When, and if, you manage to go out to dinner with friends after awhile, there may be considerable guilt on their part. This happens because you are sitting with a salad in front of you, only eating a few bites, if that. They have just finished a four-course dinner. They feel guilty (and maybe a little envious) because you're not eating, and they have just pigged-out. They are also trying to cheer you up, which is a ridiculous and fruitless effort. They may also feel very fat and concerned that they have gone off their diet, which is, of course, totally inferior to yours. The way around this issue is to remind them why you started dieting in the first place. Hopefully, that will work and not cause more guilt on their part! But, then again, that rather disturbing revelation may contribute further to their guilt, and they really won't know what to do or say –but it may aid them in starting your successful diet along with you!


10. Again, remember that results may vary from person to person. Some mourners may actually gain weight. As the shock of trying desperately to cope with the murder of a loved one begins to wear off and the reality starts to set in, food may be the only thing that provides an inkling of comfort. (When you are awakened multiple times each night, reliving the nightmare of what you saw and heard, chewing may exert enough physical energy to make you feel exhausted again)  Of course, if this happens, go for it! Moments (or seconds) of comfort (if you are lucky enough to have any) are usually not maintained for very long.

  11. And finally, remember – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  If you’re not lucky enough to choke to death on the food going down, or suffer a heart attack each time you vomit, maybe you’ll eventually succeed in reaching your desired weight, where there’s not enough muscle left inside your body to keep your heart beating!  And if this doesn’t happen, don’t feel bad – just know how strong you really are!