Picking up the Pieces...Part 3

When it comes down to it, life is all about the CHOICES we make. And the life we create from those choices…

Do you think people are born evil? Or does the world make them that way?

I THINK – people are basically good, evil is an accident, an error of growing up that causes a person to make the wrong choices for what they think (based on how they are raised, and what they are exposed to as they are growing up) are the right reasons.

Do you think people intend to be evil?

I’ve worked with too many children, and I do not believe that to be true. Children WANT to be good. They want nothing more than to please the adults in their lives, the people who are most important to them!  One’s home life in childhood shapes perceptions of the world and provides instruction on right and wrong. Children model what they see in their immediate environment with lasting effects on their perceptions and actions.

And then, life just doesn’t work a certain way, and the wrong choices they make based on immoral perceptions have a way of multiplying…   And if NO ONE steps in, to define the line of good and bad, right and wrong, then as a society, we have let ourselves down.  For if the models in a child’s environment are not guiding them with MORALITY, that responsibility then falls upon the citizens, for it takes a community to raise the children!  And if we choose to turn a blind eye, we have only ourselves to blame!

Even in the worst case of wrong choices ever made - Hitler didn’t think he was evil, he thought he was saving the world. He made CHOICES. And each wrong choice led to another wrong choice, and a domino effect of wrong choices occurred.

Evil people make the wrong choices, because it is WHO THEY HAVE BECOME. They are incapable of undoing that aspect within themselves that allows them to make good choices, because of what has been ingrained in them. If you had tried to explain to Hitler that by killing all the Jews, he still would never achieve his goal, Hitler would not have seen the errors of his way, but instead, gone after ALL the other people who came close to being what HE deemed "inferior", and killed many more! That is the thinking behind ALL killers, regardless of age! What is inside them that caused them to make the choice in the first place, CAN NEVER BE CHANGED!

Gary’s Choice to do this, has taken from us ‘our choice’, about too many things…

To be forced into having NO CHOICE by the justice system, as we are simply the victims, and the torture of not only enduring the trial – but the outrage of not being allowed into the courtroom DURING the trial, as we are witnesses to what Gary has done!

Again, being forced to explore things, I NEVER REALLY HAD ANY INTENTION OF DEALING WITH BEFORE…  Like the difference between “Life in prison, without the Possibility of Parole” and the “Death Penalty”!  Because in this new life, I am forced to deal with too many new things…

Discovering that -

“FAMILY MEMBERS OF VICTIMS HAVE HAD A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE DONE TO THEM AND THEIR LIVES ARE FOREVER CHANGED. There is little support for victims in the criminal justice system in terms of healing from the loss and compensating for the harms done; surviving family members are frequently left out of the justice process despite how intimately they are involved in the offense that occurred.”

Learning that –

“One’s home life in childhood shapes perceptions of the world and provides instruction on right and wrong. Children model what they see in their immediate environment and these experiences have lasting effects on their perceptions and actions. Violence is a learned behavior, and when it is demonstrated by adults in a home environment as a tool to resolve problems, children internalize this and, without intervention, are prone to repeat it.  Lifers reported childhoods that were marked by frequent exposure to community-level violence, problems in school, engagement with delinquent peers, and familial incarceration.  They experienced highly elevated levels of poverty, abuse, and were frequently raised in homes with few adult guardians.”

And yet, Gary grew up in a great community, in a privileged home with his mother, stepfather and grandmother:  His father, while absent, is a police officer.  He did very well in school.  He had no delinquent friends.  There were NO social significant factors that “contributed” to his actions…

And his actions took everything!  There is no going “forward”, going “on” for US!  We simply exist each day in the same ugly place inside this box.  Forced to remain here, until the trial is over…  And even then, it is my greatest fear - that we may not be allowed to go on – if Gary doesn’t receive the Death Penalty!  For I had no choice in the matter, really, but to begin researching both of these two sentences…  Because we have to go to court, we have to attend the trial, we have no choice in this matter!  I know there will be questions asked of us – and I needed to decide for myself, which of these two options I believed to be the best, all things considered…

I began researching California’s rules on ‘Life in Prison, Without the Possibility of Parole’, and the ‘Death Penalty’.

I was outraged, when I discovered that ‘Life in Prison’ offers Gary not only phone calls, but visits with his family! He silenced my Saskia forever, but he gets to make phone calls?  We do not get to visit her!  But Gary would get these rights?  The Death Penalty, however, does not offer these benefits to Gary.  He would only get to speak with his lawyer.

I began contacting many of the different Victims of Crime and Parents of Murdered Children groups, speaking to many people who have gone through this legal process before.   The ‘Death Penalty’ has it’s own set of challenges, because there is an automatic appeal filed after this sentence is handed down…  And the appeals can go on, for YEARS!  With ‘Life is Prison’, the sentence begins right away, and yet, I have spoken with too many Victims who explained to me that, at a much later date – years down the road – a judge had overturned the verdict and made ‘their murderer’ eligible for parole.  They now have to attend parole hearings, facing the ‘murderer’ again and again, reliving what happened again and again, in the hope of keeping the murderer behind bars! 

I could not imagine this!  My children, having to once again face Gary at some future date, and fight to keep him in Prison - AFTER WHAT HE’S DONE TO SASKIA, TO THEM – TO ALL OF US?!

And in the midst of all this research, within our ever-evolving justice system, the Supreme Court made changes…  On March 20, 2012

The Supreme Court blanketed juvenile murders on Death Row, forcing their cases to be reviewed with the “possibility of parole”…

3-28-12

Met with the DA this morning. Had to listen, as they discuss the politics of keeping the death penalty on the table.  When they asked for my thoughts on this?  “Well, I can’t live if they take it away!  

I   CAN   NOT   CONTINUE   TO   LIVE –

If I cannot seek the only justice Saskia deserves… 

The only justice, which will protect Ian and Kessa from an imperfect justice system!”  If Gary is only given “Life in Prison Without the Possibility of Parole”, it could mean that my children would once again, 20 -30 years down the road, have to endure revisiting Saskia’s murder, and facing Gary…  Because in our ever-evolving ‘Justice System’, there is the possibility that one day, the verdict could be “softened”, and Gary could become eligible for parole!

The DA says he will let us know by our next court date, 4-13-12 what their decision is…  Only 15 days.  Somehow, I felt lighter when I left that office.  Thinking to myself that surely they will fail Saskia, and fail me – fail us all, and knowing that I truly COULD NOT CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH THAT!  With yet another failure layed upon us in the name of ‘justice’ - made me feel there was a chance to be released from this burdensome existence.  Knowing I only have to live 15 more days here on this earth, in this hideous existence!  Because, if they took away the only thing that would protect my two remaining children, and bring about any justice at all for Saskia, I would have to put an end to my own madness!

I know – we are not supposed to admit these things in life.  Forgive me for being brutally honest.  For the truth is not always what we want to hear, what we want to acknowledge, and yet it still exists.

4-9-12

The DA called.  They are definitely seeking the Death Penalty.  The heaviness, the weight of this burden, returned to me like an anvil upon my heart!  I had actually been anticipating my release from this life and now – I have no choice but to stay, and see it through, for Ian and Kessa, and for Saskia!

4-12-12

The press began calling.  How do we feel about the Death Penalty?  Do we support the Death Penalty?  Our phone rings off the hook, once again.  I answer it, only to those I KNOW will print the truth, and treat us – THE VICTIMS – with respect.

I offer my answer, based on my own research of both side of this issue, and after having talked with many Parents Of Murdered Children.  For you see?  The truth of the situation, is that many verdicts are NOT FINAL – they can be overturned at a later date, due to the changes within our justice system! 

If Gary is sentenced to ‘Life in Prison, Without the Possibility of Parole’, and a judge overturns this at a latter date, my children would then have to attend PAROLE HEARINGS!  And as their mother, I feel that after all the heinous damage Gary has done to their lives, Ian and Kessa should get to go on – and never have to revisit any of this again!

And I believe, our justice system to be “imperfect”.  For you see, the Death Penalty does not bring about “Death”…  Because we live in California, and very rarely do we actually “execute” anyone…  And when we do, it’s after the prisoner has been held, alone in his cell, for 20 – 40 years!  It’s simply a different form of prison.  It is ‘safer’ for Gary, as it keeps him from being harmed or killed by the other inmates.  And as we are all forced to go on with OUR lives, WITHOUT SASKIA, living with the pain and the terror and the HORROR for as long as we live, well –

I feel Gary should have to live a long time, too.  And because of the type of crime he committed?  His ‘life in prison’ may be all too short!

My answer does not truly support either of these sentences.  My answer comes from examining the imperfect justice system we currently have.  And looking ahead, at the possibilities each of these sentences hold!  And to protect my two remaining children from Gary, to insure he is forced to ALSO live a long time with what he has done, I choose the Death Penalty! 

It is the only ‘Justice’ we are afforded…

For there is no TRUE JUSTICE FOR SASKIA.

4-13-12

I awoke at 3:46 am this morning…  Threw up for quite awhile…  We must endure going to court today, and I really don’t have the strength to do it!  I can’t quite find the physical endurance to get dressed, or brush my hair.  It seems to take all the energy I have just to breathe…

But my rage leads me into the courthouse, where we are told we will be switching courtrooms today – so nice to see Gary is held behind a glass enclosure in this one, and not just sitting in the same room with us!  I guess his mom did not like the news, that they are seeking the Death Penalty…   She did not smile at us today, as she has at every other court appearance!

Too many choices have been taken from us, have been destroyed for us…   And as our worlds collide, and the problems we faced in our past life catch up to our NEW LIFE, I find myself barely capable of just breathing…..

The most important issue we face “right now”, is procuring employment.  Because that ‘problem’ from our old life still exists…  Only now, it’s not simply a matter of paying the bills.  When your life has been ripped apart, as ours has been, how can anyone seriously look at you and think you to be capable of doing ANYTHING?  And yet, we so desperately need to fill our days with “something else”, to focus on “anything else”, just to help us maintain our sanity over the course of the next few years…   

I went to an interview, in February – a position I had applied to before Saskia’s murder…  The employer recognized me from the news, and asked if I was the mother of the murdered girl, and then actually said to me, “if I were you, I don’t think I’d even be able to get out of bed right now!”   With the trial looming in front of us, how could any employer really invest in hiring either of us?  In an economic environment in which it is already extremely difficult to get a job, what Gary has done to our lives makes it practically impossible to secure a position!  With unemployment running out, I fear Gary has stolen any opportunity of surviving…

And, it’s no longer a matter of ‘just losing our home’ if we don’t find employment!  We “NEED” to stay in our home - where there are so many precious memories of Saskia…  Our treasured “last happy memories” of Saskia… For it was Saskia, my muse, who chose this home for our family!  After looking at so many houses here in Murrieta, she could see the potential of what I would be capable of creating, as an artist, with the architectural details of this house…

I know most people find it difficult to understand this!  That we would choose to live in the ‘place’ she was murdered.  This same thinking happened when Spelleys hosted the benefit for ‘Sam and Saskia’…   People find it difficult to think of going, to the place someone was murdered, and yet that place – be it your ‘business’ or your ‘home’, is still where you must continue to do business, where you must continue to live, because it is your HOME.

A home in which we are all incapable of bearing the loss of Saskia’s strong presence, which we feel everywhere within our home…   It is where the children come now to be close to Saskia.  It this brings them the only comfort afforded them, as they gather together in our home.  And as the children experience the tidal waves of pain, they seek out her room, sit amongst her things, and remember her!  The idea that ANYONE ELSE could ever live in her house, walk upon the floor she died - feels almost sacrilegious!  But alas, without employment, which Gary has taken all hope of opportunity of procuring, we have to face losing every last essence of Saskia too...

And the thought of leaving?  We “NEED” to stay in our community that has been so graciously kind and helpful to us throughout this horrific time…  In a place where we have no family close, our community has stepped up in the most surprising and amazing ways to hold on to us, and keep us from falling apart.  To guide us, when we were incapable of formulating a rational thought. To comfort us, in our desperate hours of despair.  To keep us safe, when Saskia’s murderer was on the run…  To help us financially, and allow us a moment to grieve.  We most especially need those that have helped Kessa, our 13 year old.  Her friends, her counselors and teachers, are her support system to surviving, as she witnessed all that happened when Saskia was murdered.  But alas, without a job and a home, Gary will take this from us, too...

Finally, we are left “NO CHOICE” but to stay here, as long as it takes, to seek JUSTICE for our beloved daughter Saskia, to protect the futures of Ian and Kessa, by procuring the Death Penalty.  For we now live the reality that AGE does not matter – what is inside a person that makes them capable of choosing to commit such heinous acts will NEVER CHANGE!  And Gary has taken our option of leaving completely away from us!

And as we step forward, along this path, we are left to face the terror and the attacks yet to come.  For the day after the last court date, Kessa and I had gone to Rite Aide, to pick up my refill of the pills I now must take to keep me from screaming out loud…  And as we exited the door, there was a black man sitting in his truck, who yelled “MURERERS” at us as we walked out…  We are now to be persecuted, too, for doing what we literally have no choice but to do!

As the old life catches up to the new one, and the old problems and fears return along with the new, I just don’t know how… 

Because trying to just live this ‘new life’ is too intensely difficult to attempt.  For I never stop hearing Saskia’s screams - never stop reliving those moments during the attack…  And knowing that he planned to murder our entire family?  We live in fear, every day – STILL, that it will happen again.  When it gets dark out, we all stay “together”, as we fear going anywhere in our house alone…  We cannot sleep, as sleep brings with it the most intense of fears: and the nightmares from which we cannot escape: and upon awakening each morning – we are thrust into the nightmarish reality that this horror has really happened, and Saskia is truly gone…

The unfortunate truth of so many things to contend with in this new life that Gary chose for us, and yet…

For us?  It is a monumental achievement to just – breathe!