Picking up the Pieces...Part 2

EDITOR'S NOTE: This blog post reflects the opinions of Catherine Burke. Murrieta Patch has submitted a public records request to the Murrieta Police Department regarding the 2010 police response to the Burke residence, a year prior to the killing of Saskia Burke.

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Catherine Burke:

There are some things, which I have been given no choice BUT to live with now… There are some things I must NOT say, as we await trial…There are some things - that I just cannot go on LIVING with, and for the sake of my family, I am left with no choice BUT to tell the truth, because the enormity of this situation is killing me…

When all else has been stripped away from you, and you have nothing left, and your "old self" has turned to dust, and blown away in the wind... And yet, in the insanity of it all, you MUST find a way to go on - because OTHERS depend on you to…   NOT because it is your own will to do so... 

In the darkness, you reach out, and all you find are ANGER and RAGE. This is ALL Gary has left for you, in this abyss he has thrown you into! And so your therapist tells you to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING and hold on tight to it... And you find yourself upside down and backwards and inside out, reaching to grasp those emotions out of the darkness, and you hold on tight to them.  FOR IT IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING YOU ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no strength left to put on my pretend face. I live each moment, each day, RELIVING what happened. Can't you see? I am FORCED to think of HIM - because he murdered my Saskia!  SHE consumes my thoughts, because I can't accept, EVER, that this has really happened, and that I will have to spend every day without her now! It's too much to bear. Seeing her dead on my floor... Looking at the damage Gary did to my beautiful baby in the morgue... 

Forced to examine everything, again and again…  Looking at things from this new perspective, to see if I missed something…  Something I could have, would have, should have done!  Anything, that would have prevented losing my Saskia!  And in the end, coming full circle, knowing it won’t matter…  There’s no bringing her back!  That the agony of living without her is all I have left to me!

Knowing I did not choose this path for myself, I was thrown into the pit, left to claw my own way out!  This was Gary's doing, not mine.  Knowing I am now what he has created for me to be, out of the terror and the torment he has left me living in!!!!  It is him, and others out there like him, that have altered the perception of what I had always "thought" the world was, and have opened my eyes as to what is really out there, and I live every moment waiting for the next attack from another JUST LIKE HIM!!!  So do I apologize, for what he has made me? I am only sorry, that this is all he has left me with...  I am sorry he left me alive.  Because in my darkness, there is no light.  No reason, no sanity in site. Only the agony of going on, one breathe at a time...

And feeling attacked, layer upon layer…  

In August, 2010

I was rear-ended, while stopped at a red light on the exit ramp from the 215, by a man who never stopped while he was exiting the Highway!  He was reported to be 100% at fault!  He totaled my 1968 VW.  Three days later, my right leg went numb. I began experiencing rolling hot, churning pain in my right leg.  And after the X-rays, and the MRI’s, and the testing at Loma Linda, no one could explain why!

The man who hit me, was an underinsured motorist. My Farmers Insurance policy was left to pick up where his left off…  And I have been fighting with them every since to do so!  I still have thousands in unpaid medical bills…  And I have been left with a leg that is damaged…  And when Paul lost his job in 2011, we lost our health insurance, and I was unable to continue to seek treatment for my leg… Farmers Insurance offered me $1,000.00 settlement…

AND THIS DAMAGED LEG HAS COST ME DEARLY!  

That morning, when I awoke to Saskia’s screams?  

This damage to my leg made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to get down the stairs fast enough - TO BE WITH SASKIA IN HER FINAL MOMENT!  Impossible for me to stop Gary - from stabbing Connor!  Impossible for me to run at Gary - and stop him from escaping!

And in January, 2012

Farmers Insurance called once again, to offer their $1,000.00 settlement…

THE AWFUL TRUTH IS - FOR US, the attack has Never Stopped… In every way possible, I feel attacked again and again, from every angle!  What Gary did was enough of an attack to simply NEVER recover from… What the media did, was an unforgivable attack upon our morals and dignity, and an inconceivable desecration of character upon my innocent Saskia… To live in fear of another racially motivated attack, in retaliation for Gary’s capture, or imprisonment… To have every aspect of our lives ripped apart and examined, by ourselves – and everyone else - to see if we somehow missed something? Or the comments made to us, that of course we deserved this, as we opened our hearts and home to the outside world…

Even the family of the boyfriend, that same boyfriend who asked Saskia to go downstairs that morning and get him a bottle of water – placing her downstairs alone in the path to be attacked by Gary first, insinuates we perceived Gary to be the threat he was – and did not do enough to ensure our safety from such an attack…

Because you see, there is the ULTIMATE FAILURE of the POLICE to do anything with my police report that I filed the beginning of December 2010 – which was truly, I feel in retrospect, what could have prevented this from happening in the first place!  Even though at the time I placed that report, I could not have thought Gary capable of what he did, I believe now that had the police taken action, it could have averted Gary’s decision to come and kill us all…

I received another call from an insurance investigator...  

I called our insurance company in January, to report that a child had been injured in our home, because I pay Farmer’s Insurance for injury coverage on my policy. I really had no idea if they would cover his injury due to this attack, but I wanted to do all I could to help the McCormacks…

When the insurance investigator called the first time, he asked me if we had perceived Gary to be a threat to our family. He asked about his time here, and what happened when he left.   

Today the investigator called to ask about the incident when Gary pulled his knife on Richard, and we called the Police, because the investigator said it is being insinuated by the McCormacks that we knew Gary to be this dangerous and should have taken some kind of extra precautions to insure he didn’t come here to do what he did! The investigator wanted to know “why” I called the police. 

I explained to him that upon learning Gary had put the knife to Richards throat, it was simply the last thing in a multitude of things that pissed me off! First, there was the fact that Gary had run away from his responsibility of reimbursing us for rent!  Not only did he skip out on 6 months rent, we had also paid his way to the big Paintball game (another $150.) that he owed us for, he had used our entire ‘new’ printer ink cartridge printing his full color pictures, had stolen my son’s expensive guitar strings, and stolen my entire months grocery money from my purse the morning he ran away!  

And when Gary’s father came to my house to retrieve his son’s belongings, and I confronted him about his son’s thefts, and Gary’s morally financial responsibility to us for rent and paintball, he laughed at me.  Instead of setting the example for his son, as every Parent should (especially someone who’s profession is in Law Enforcement!) and showing responsibility for his son’s debts, HE LAUGHED.  

And so, upon overhearing the discussion between the children that evening a week or so after Gary had run away, when the children were all talking about the ways in which they didn’t like Gary and were glad he had chosen to run away - AND I OVERHEARD THAT GARY HAD PULLED A KNIFE ON RICHARD AND HELD IT TO HIS THROAT, it was simply the last straw!  I called the police to report it ALL! 

And the comment made by the children about Gary pulling the knife?  Well, Gary was angry over not getting to play a video game, and having to “share” time like all the other kids.  So, being the selfish person he is, he pulled out his pocketknife and held it to Richards throat, threatening him for control over playing the game – but the kids did not perceive this to be any “real” threat at all! Not even enough to bother to mention it to US!  They perceived Gary to be the pansy we all thought him to be. 

IF I HAD THOUGHT, EVEN FOR ONE SECOND, THAT THIS ARROGANT, SELFISH BOY COULD POSSIBLY BE CAPABLE OF WHAT HE DID, I WOULD NOT HAVE BOTHERED TO CALL THE POLICE.  I WOULD HAVE DRIVEN TO HIS HOUSE, AND SHOT HIM DEAD.  I WOULD HAVE GLADLY SPENT THE REST OF MY LIFE IN PRISON, TO SECURE THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN – WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT! THEY ARE MY BABIES, AND I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING NECESSARY TO PROTECT THEM! 

And, I had thought - that in calling the police to report that A MINOR CHILD HAD ATTACKED ANOTHER MINOR CHILD IN MY HOME AND HELD A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT, and committed THEFT – 

Well, I thought it was the “JOB” of the police to investigate this.  

After all, GARY HAD RETURNED TO OUR HOME TO LEAVE A NOTE ON THE FRONT DOOR, AND STILL POSSESSED THE KNIFE HE HAD HELD TO RICHARD’S THROAT!  I did what I thought was the MORALLY RESPONSIBLE thing to do, in calling the police.   I thought this to be a police matter, to hold Gary morally responsible for his actions!  I thought that is what we pay the police for – “TO SERVE AND PROTECT.” I didn’t know they get to DECIDE - whom they serve, and whom they protect!

And so, again, I feel attacked… 

I made sacrifices that morning to save their son! I took those few precious seconds in the midst of all that was happening to go to Connor, and grab the curtains, and put my finger inside his neck to push his artery closed, then pushed the material into the wound to keep his artery closed and help staunch the bleeding. I then placed Connors hand upon his wound and laid him gently onto the floor, instructing him to hold it as tightly as he could and not move! And it was then, upon doing this – I could see the duffel bag full of knives! But it was behind Connor, and Paul was losing his grip on Gary as they struggled behind me on the couch. I could not go to that bag, and return to put each and every one of those knives INTO Gary as I so desperately needed to do, as this would have left Connor unprotected – because I had placed myself between Connor and Gary, and in realizing I had no time to go for the bag, I turned around and grabbed the first available thing I saw to proceed to kill Gary with! I SACRIFICED MY OPPORTUNITY FOR REAL, TRUE JUSTICE, TO PROTECT CONNOR. I sacrificed myself willingly, to stand between them, to defend Connor.

The truth is...we could not foresee this!

We have been victimized beyond comprehension, beyond the scope of any possibility to “handle” it! From inside this hellish box that we have been placed, we look out and cannot understand “WHY”!   

To be allowed no recourse for holding the police responsible for doing NOTHING, when I had called to make a report for the SPECIFIC REASON that they do SOMETHING! And the worst of this is, that I could never really care NOW if there were something to be done about this. Because it’s too late!  IT WOULD NEVER BRING MY BABY BACK!  Nothing I do, WILL BRING HER BACK!  And I’m so weary, of contending with all the problems in this world!  I do not care to engage in yet another futile fight!

Gary’s sense of feeling superior to others is what led him to believe he would get away with murdering us all.  If the police had informed Gary that this complaint had been filed, that instead of getting away with it – it would make him the prime suspect, since it showed he had attacked in my home with a knife before, Gary may have been discouraged from proceeding. Because Gary is held to his sense of being superior, just as I am held to my OCD behavior!  

And furthermore? Had the POLICE brought it to the attention of Gary’s parents, that he had pulled a knife on someone, maybe his parents would have questioned Gary when he proceeded to put his extensive knife collection together, because he did it while living in their homes…