Picking up the pieces... Part 15

I find myself now, quietly tucking away the energy and strength it will take for what I must do…  It’s like standing on the beach, and seeing the tidal wave coming.  Knowing, eventually I must swim to keep my head above water to survive.  And in this moment, I must stand still and not waste one ounce of energy.  I am going to need it for this wave that’s coming at me…

In a year that has been fraught with EVERYONE wanting for us to continue, to run out and face this ‘New Life’ –  they fail to really see too many things.  That for us, we still have court dates, and the trial ahead.  And that the strength and energy it takes to do that, we really don’t have.  And we can’t expend that in other places, to face other things right now.  We need to put it away inside ourselves, build up a tiny reserve, so when the time comes we have something…

And while everyone else is too caught up in how they feel, what they think we should be doing, and what they think is best for us – we, are alone and trying to figure it out for ourselves.  From the start, we were rushed into therapy, and to the groups that we don’t fit into.  You see, therapy helps you deal with moving forward, and rebuilding a new life.  But WE are still not at that point, and won’t be for quite awhile.  And those groups everyone thinks will be so helpful to us?  People, who have gone through something like this, and should be able to help?  They really don’t.  While a Victim of a Violent Crime can relate to the post-traumatic stress we are dealing with, they can’t possibly imagine the added pain and horror of dealing with a murder!  And Parents of a Murdered Child can’t imagine the terror of hearing and seeing the murder of their child – they can’t imagine how we can live with that!   And too many of them, admit that even after so many years, their pain has never changed!  And too often they have said, if they had it to do over again, they would have chosen to not to live with it!  And I have to admit, hearing that is not helpful to us at all…

People think, it is so wrong, and so bad, to continue living in the house where Saskia was murdered.  And they fail to understand our need to be here.  Because for us, this house contains the last happy memories of Saskia, and our family.  The last bits and pieces of our old life are here, and we can’t bear to leave them behind.  All the children still, go to Saskia’s room to talk with her.  All her things are there, the room smells of Saskia – and this brings comfort, to all of us.  To pack away her things, and move them, we would no longer have this sanctuary.  And we need it.  And all of our last happy moments are here in this house too.  Our very last Christmas was right there, in the living room.  We can see it, every time we go in.  And we will probably never be able to bring ourselves to celebrate another one.  To lose our last Christmas together would really be too much…  And I ask, that you try to see this from our perspective:  While one event happened here in this house, every last thing we ever did or said is here too!  And we just can’t imagine losing every last piece of that life we loved so much! 

That Victims assistance program that is set up for people like us?  Well, they love to give you a long list of phone numbers to call, mostly therapy-type help…   But therapy?  Psychiatrists, and their drugs?  Both are so ineffectual.  Talking about what happened does NOTHING.  Drugging yourself to mask the pain and the symptoms?  There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make it go away – and if I don’t deal my PTS triggers, I’ll be a hostage to them forever!  I can’t take pills, that can never make me happy.  And the terror, of taking a pill that would hold me hostage to the nightmare, just to get some sleep?  I can’t do that to myself, either.  Maybe at some point down the road, talking with someone to help me move forward might be a consideration.  But I’m still a long way from there right now.  I don’t know, whether or not I have actually survived this yet.  Still, there are too many reasons, too many things that just keep happening, that make me want to let go a million times over!  And yet, at the end of each day, I’m still here.  At the end of one year, still, here.  And for now, this is the best I can do.   And I know this honesty, is so hard for yall to understand and accept.  It’s why, you keep attacking us.  But I must ask, please stop.  Face OUR TRUTH, that EVERY DAY will continue to be like this.  Maybe, possibly, every day for the rest of our lives.  And if we SAY or DO something that YOU FEAR - well, it’s OUR way of coping right now.  Chill out, and don’t take us so literally. 

I think the BIGGEST thing that has helped this year, was a seminar on Post Traumatic Stress in the military.  We are all suffering from this, on top of our immense grief in losing Saskia.  Trying to understand why I can’t eat.  Why, even the smell of food makes me feel so nauseas.   Understanding this to be one of the many ‘triggers’ for me now, something my brain has decided for me keeps me safe, and so causes my body to react in a particular way to protect me.  I really have no control over these ‘triggers’, and each and every one takes me right back to that moment in time!  And I re-experience every emotion I felt in that moment!  And the bombardment of these attacks is extremely draining.  And it’s a funny thing, these triggers, for they’re everywhere – and can literally be anything!  For me?  Music, the smell of food, a silent room, the dark, red-haired girls, black people, the wind, people that reach out towards me…  These and so many more evoke such fear in me – that I become paralyzed by it, I cannot breathe, and experience a moment of such terror that too often I scream out loud!  Knowing, what my triggers are is important.  And eventually working through them, is what must be done.  Just not right now.  Because I need to retain that little bit of strength and energy it would take to do this, for what lies ahead. 

We have been on our own, taking pieces from here and there along the way that work for US.   Figuring it out for ourselves.  I can no longer bear to sleep in a bedroom, and Kessa cannot stand to sleep alone – so we moved the mattresses to the middle of the living room, where we can see both the front door and the back door, and sleep there.  We sleep with the TV on, for the light of it – and the low level noise that keeps the silence at bay.  I miss the simplicity of a shower!  To step into an enclosed room, with the noise of the water running too loud to hear – something that might be happening outside this room…   And so, I wait for all the kids to be here, so Kes and Paul are not alone, before I try to fight through my anxiety to step inside that place that feels so unsafe to me now, and always triggering panic attacks - to take my shower…

Facing the truth about ourselves, is something we’ve had really no choice but to do.  The problem for us ALL ALONG has been, everyone else.  They won’t, or can’t face THIS truth about US.  Because the ‘people we once were, are all dead now’.   And I guess the only way I can explain it to you, is that – we have all just been re-born.  And in a year where everyone has expected us to withstand so much in this new life, we are really just infants – exploring these new people we have become, this new life we have no choice BUT to live.  The expectation others have, that we remain those people we once were, their absolute refusal to believe that we are gone?  They can’t face the truth we’ve had to in this.  And so they’ve abandoned us, hoping somehow we will heal in time to become ourselves once more.  They fail to understand, that we could never be those people again.  That loving, happy family we once had is forever lost – to all of us!  Including ourselves…

Since the beginning too, everyone has attempted to ‘guilt’ me into continuing to live.  I wish they could just hear themselves from my perspective in this, just once.   For it always starts out with “I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW “ I “ COULD SURVIVE LOSING MY CHILD”, and yet it is followed in the same breath by, “But, YOU HAVE TO GO ON for Ian and Kessa, for your husband and all the other children”…  I mean, never once could anybody look me straight in the face and just say the words, “YOU need to go on”.   Because again, they could not face the truth of this.  They, couldn’t go on.  They couldn’t live, with what I MUST!  But ‘guilting’ me into staying alive always crossed MY line.  I never stopped knowing, all these others needed me.  I never stopped caring about them, not for one single second!  And I was already carrying too much guilt in all this:    I should have stopped Gary, that year before.    We should have never moved into the house, where we met Gary to begin with.    We should have never moved to California.    I should have never had children.    I should have never been born...   These are my thoughts of guilt, that have grown in retrospect over the last year.  I really didn’t need for everyone to keep giving me more.  I too, just like each and every one of them, can’t imagine HOW I will possibly do it!  The difference is, “ I “ SIMPLY HAVE NO CHOICE.  And so I hope you will understand, if I’m still standing in the same spot after a whole year.  Because I’m still trying to figure that one out.

And the truth for me, in this?  Well, since the beginning, I have really only seen one purpose to live for.  One purpose, in which I survived to do...

 TO SPEAK AT THE TRIAL.  To make sure, that William Gary Simpson receives the DEATH PENALTY.  Because you see, in my mind, that is why I was the ONLY ONE not injured that morning.  Not one single cut – and yet, I grabbed both knives I took from him by the blade!  And this purpose is something NO ONE understands.  They feel the need to inject their own feelings of horror and rage into this – and feel that surely, we do it only for revenge!  And THEY think, somehow we feel it is JUSTICE.   For they could never face the truth,  I have.   It’s not about revenge.  Or Justice for Saskia.  It all really, only boils down to just one thing… 

Protecting Kessa’s –  LIFE!  Her entire –  FUTURE!  For there’s nothing we could do FROM THIS POINT FORWARD to Gary, even if we could – that would ever begin to hurt him or cause him as much PAIN – AS HE HAS CAUSED US!   And again, yall must realize – THE DEEP REGRET WE ARE FORCED TO LIVE WITH, that WE HAD OUR OPPORTUNITY TO KILL HIM - AND DIDN'T!   We REACTED to the boy we had loved and known for over 12 years, instead of taking ACTION against the angry murderous racist bastard who was so intent upon destroying us!   And TRUE JUSTICE  -  had it’s opportunity to be served, if ONLY those two officers had ACTED on my report THE YEAR BEFORE OUR ATTACK!   They DID NOTHING – and it’s too late to do anything about THAT…

But Kessa, has her whole life in front of her RIGHT HERE,  RIGHT NOW.  And she MUST be allowed to build something for herself from this – and go on, and NEVER be forced to re-live Saskia’s murder or see Gary EVER AGAIN!  And our Justice System isn’t designed right now to GUARANTEE this to Kessa, without the verdict of the Death Penalty.   And it won’t be, I’m sure, in OUR LIFETIME…  And it’s enough already, the unfortunate truth, that Kessa will think of Gary every day.  For he took everything from her!   She should never be forced to confront him, ever again, on top of THAT…

And so at this point, I sit in my sanctuary.  And I hold on, to those things I am going to need for what’s ahead.  If there is ever a time you would like to drop off a prepared meal, I invite you to do so.  This is really the most helpful thing we have received all year, and I extend my gratitude and heart-felt thank you to all who have done this.  Honestly, it saves me from wasting my reserves.   From the panic attacks I endure going out into the world, where all my ‘triggers’ hit me.  How it seems every song on the muzak at the grocery store, is playing right at me and in my vulnerable state – leaves me sobbing and so broken.  If you want to stop by, please do.  It’s been a very lonely year, which has made it even more difficult for us.  And we have been abandoned by pretty much EVERYONE we’ve ever known, including our families.  Don’t feel the need to offer words of encouragement, or sympathy.  Just – talk.  And listen.  Allow me, to be ME right now.  And understand, I am figuring out this new person.  Figuring out HOW I CAN possibly survive this!   And if you see this destroyed and distraught woman out in public, maybe you could offer assistance.  Because when in the throws of my triggers and panic attacks, I often lose direction.  And I can’t remember, what I came out for.   And, just allow me to BE, what I AM right now... 

A DEVASTATED woman, who has lost her child in truly the MOST HORRIFIC  and  UNIMAGINABLE  way!   A ‘new’ woman, who in such immense pain is doing what all of YOU can’t imagine for yourselves…   Holding on, trying to figure it all out, and doing what MUST be done…

 P.S.

On this New Years Eve, 12:04 pm marks the moment my Daddy was taken.  A day that we have not celebrated once, in Kessa’s entire life!  Another day of mourning, another day of grief – brought with me from that other life…   It too, has NEVER lessened one bit for me since that day it happened 14 years ago…   And you see, I knew from the start – this is how it would be for my Saskia, too.  I’ve always been walking through this with MY eyes wide open… 

Cat Burke

I love you Daddy! And I HATE today... Remembering back to those moments that ripped me apart. The phone call that said you were dead. The many calls that came after that, and all the screams that accompanied them. The call I found myself on, as the countdown to the New Year was going on in the background of the party the man from the mortuary was calling from...  "Will that be one parent, or two…   Burial, or cremation?"  5-4-3-2-1- Happy New Year!

No one said, IT WOULD EVER BE THIS HARD, Dad!

I love you and I miss you Daddy, bigger than the whole world, bigger than the stars and the moon!