Crime Victims Week 2013 - I AM A VICTIM...

"In this moment of horror, as you look at what someone else has chosen to do to your life by destroying it to you, you SCREAM!  For EVERYTHING you have been, and done, and worked towards up to this point in your own life - ALL your possibilities, ALL your hopes and dreams for what you wanted and expected from your own life HAVE JUST DIED BEFORE YOU!  You become so altered to yourself in this moment - because this VIOLATON has changed the core foundation of the being you were, into this NEW being you ARE...  Something you would have NEVER chosen yourself to be, but forced to be if you chose to continue existing from this moment forward. 

You have just suffered your own death, unto yourself."

I started this journey into my OWN LIFE, trying to escape the awfulness of my childhood.  I had a fierce strength within myself, an over-abundance of hope and a huge resolve to find a better place.  But I found the world to be too selfish, too incompatible for someone like me.  So, I then set out to create for myself – my own sanctuary here.

It took a LIFETIME to create this genuine place, and I was so devoted to it for saving me…   It became my safe haven from the world outside that I did not like, and never understood.  A place of such beauty, where everything inside was as perfect as it ever gets.  Founded upon my own ideals of how the world should be, and filled with so much love.  It was ONLY within this sanctuary that I have ever really existed, experiencing ALL the happiness and joys in my lifetime!

Becoming, inside this sanctum, what I HOPED MOST TO BE.  MOMMY!  Each piece of me arrived, possessing a different part of myself, making me COMPLETE!  Finding myself to be everything I ever wanted to be, discovering all my dreams to come true IN COMPLETION!  Each experience with my three, so overly fulfilling, that it more than made up for ALL my dissatisfaction elsewhere.

My sanctuary became refuge for so many children like me over the years. With a love so strong, I dedicated myself to making my world a better place, and all those in it better people.  For all my hard work, I found  SUCH PEACE…  It was my creation itself that fell under attack for its existence of such love and beauty.  And in one moment, EVERYTHING I had created was destroyed to me –  forever.

On this morning my Saskia has been MURDERED, I have in fact been murdered too.  For a piece of MYSELF has been severed, IRREPARABLY SHATTERING ME!  On every level as this human being I was – emotionally, mentally, spiritually and yes, even ‘physically’ – I am so perfectly destroyed to this world that I AM DEAD…  And the sanctity of my sanctuary lies in ruin all around me.

With forethought and malice, Gary knew precisely what he did to ME in MURDERING MY SASKIA…  He could not more painfully or cruelly MURDER ME if he had stabbed me to death instead!  Knowing too, what this sanctuary held to me – which is why he smiled so, as he was STEALING it forever from me that morning!  He SENTENCE ME to something so much more CRITICALLY WOUNDING to myself, than DEATH…

It is NOT some sort of supreme 'strength' that I have, to go on living - BUT THIS CONDEMNATION TO BE LEFT ALIVE...  That anyone thinks I have any choice of something - THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE?  When in fact Gary was the one, who knowingly decided this fate for me...  Has CREATED ME - a NEW person I can never stand to be, in an existence I simply cannot bear!

What has always encouraged me to seek more, still toils within me now.  NEEDING SANCTUARY, MORE THAN EVER – searching out a new place with possibility of PEACE.  For Gary has RIPPED THIS EXISTENCE APART TO ME, and I will never find it here anymore…

NO PILL, will return happiness.   SPEAKING, will never restore hope or passion. And GUILT, for responsibility to others is too criminal to bind me with…  For I have no need to cut out my own heart and open it to you, as it’s already BEEN cut out and simply lays before us all now! 

Only what doesn’t KILL you, can possibly make you stronger.

I am left only to give to you this truth, and IT’S MINE, from inside MURDER. 

IT’S UP TO ALL OF YOU, to do something with this.  Take action FOR YOURSELVES, or don’t.  Try to affect change, and fix what is so broken, or sit back and continue to let it erode.  Seek to keep yourselves SAFE and PROTECTED, or not…

For ONLY all of YOU stand to gain anything from this now –

For I, have already LOST EVERTHING…

TO ALL THOSE I LOVE, WHO SHARED THIS LIFE WITH ME INSIDE –

Please, when you think of me, remember ONLY – that COMPLETED happy and contented woman who once resided inside her sanctuary... I found ALL my love, happiness and peace there with all of YOU during my lifetime...  Remember me as the woman who created us all to be family!   Remember the magic I once had, to touch every one and everything inside our sanctuary and make it more beautiful and perfect.  Always my happy and loving devotion to it, and to you, because while you all thought I was saving YOU from this world, it was in fact all of you who saved ME from it...

Nothing in this life EVER meant more to me than being a MOTHER…